I wrote the last post yesterday, in the middle of the day. I was feeling on top of the world. And I felt hopeful, as I generally am.
Just to be clear, there are certainly times where I am not feeling so happy and hopeful about all this. But in those times, I tend not to write. Instead, I tend to seek out someone to talk me through it, because in those times, being alone is the worst. Late last night was one of those times. Then my mom arrived from Ohio, and Neil came back from the airport, and things felt better again. I mention this, just so you know I am human. And I am sometimes scared. Terrified, actually.
Truth is, I would give ANYTHING, any-thing, for this to go away and for our old life to return. It was a GREAT life. I want it back, intact. SOON. I want to be here for my kids FOREVER.
But when those dark times hit, I just need to stop and remember that YES, there is reason to feel hopeful, and YES, people do make it through this, and yes, I even know some of them! And of all patients in my boat, I've got to have the deck stacked in my favor. Youth, attitude, health, support. My coping strategy is to just focus on now. I have so many unknowns ahead of me, it's pointless to wonder what the ultimate outcome will be because I simply CANNOT KNOW at this point. All I can control is today and tomorrow. So that's all I focus on. It's a strange way to live, but it's the hand I've been dealt these days. (I just used two references to cards in one paragraph. Nice. I suppose you COULD liken this experience to a trip to Vegas. Could hit the jackpot and return richer than you ever dreamed, could end up broke with an STD. Except, I don't expect I'll end up with an STD. Ok, so it's not a perfect analogy.)
A little bit of Pollyanna returning here-- living in the here and now does tend to make you try to make each day better, to treat each person you see with more love and to find more fun and excitement in the most mundane of events. But: this is supposed to be a dark post, so enough on that.
Anyway, I just thought it prudent to point out that I am not always ecstatic in the face of the C-word. That would not be normal.