Wednesday, January 20, 2010

Make mine a "fat"

It's a strange position to be in, when you're trying to take every little step you can to GAIN weight. "Load on the butter, please!" "Can you make that with extra cheese?" "I don't need a dish, just hand me the entire pint. And a big spoon." I feel like I'm gorging myself, like that man in the movie, "Seven", who is forced to eat in order to embody the deadly sin, "sloth."

On Monday, while Neil waited outside with the kids, I went into Starbucks. I got in line behind 3 other moms, surrounded by their pile of wily kids.

The barista turned to me. "Can I get a drink started for ya?"

I hadn't really had time to figure out what I actually felt like drinking (my tastes are a little "off" these days). So I went on autopilot:

"Yeah, hi! Um, I'll have a chai tea. How 'bout a grande, nonfa---. Oh wait. Wait. NOT nonfat. Make it fat! Make it extra fatty. So like, with whole milk?"

She nodded and started to walk away. I yelled over the heads of the 3 moms in front of me, "Or, just make it with whatever you have that's most fattening. Really load it up!"

She replied back, over the heads of the young moms, "If you want it fattening, I could make it like a breve?"

Me, loudly: "What's that?"

"Made with cream?"

Me, loudly and extra excitedly: "Oh yeah! Perfect! Make it with heavy cream! Nice and fattening! DO IT UP!"

She went off to make it, and I stood there. I realized I was being stared at disdainfully by the moms. Through sleep-deprived eyes, they shot daggers at poor Miss 5' 10", in her skinny cords, who needed the world to know she was simply dying for a fattening drink.

To smooth things over, and so they'd know I was actually one of them, I explained, "See, I'm just really trying to GAIN weight....Just... really hoping to PACK IT ON here....Trying!"

One of them snorted and turned away.

Man, this cancer is really turning me into a BITCH.


  1. Shelly- Thank you for starting this blog and sharing your journey with us. We will laugh and cry with you every step of the way until you have kicked cancers b-u-t-t and told him to stick it! Love Love Love You!! SHELLY POWER

  2. Thank you for making me laugh my ass off. I keep reading it out loud for Mark then finally just told him to read it himself.
    Glad this whole cancer thing has given you some good material. :)
    Love you!!!
    Heidi HAHrtz

  3. Oh my GOD! I was laughing so hard reading this, I was in tears. You are truly amazing to maintain such humor amidst all this.

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  5. Shelly - I don't think we've met but I have spent the last six years working for your dad in an office right next to his. My name is Valerie and I'm Danberry’s director of technology. Anyway, I often ask about you and he told me about your blog. I'm sure you know this but your sense of humor is remarkable. I hope that you find yourself writing professionally one of these days. The world could use a good, regular dose of your insight!

    Best to you and your family,

    Valerie Suelzer