I only have a few minutes to write. I'm at my LAST CHEMO (til further notice... let's not get our collective hopes up... it's no fun getting hopes dashed, I've learned... but at the same time, it's not good to lose hope... what a fine line to ride). Anyway, soon they will be loading medicines into my veins that will render me silly and sleepy and I won't be able to complete a sentence anymore-- so here goes.
I have been feeling absolutely awesomely lately. I am not sure what is going on, but I have lots of energy, I'm feeling bright and festive, and I've been filling our days with fun. Decorating cookies. Parties. Visiting Santa. Doing crafts. My house is even clean. My laundry is up-to-date. My car is vaccummed, for heaven's sake. (vaccum is one of the words I never spell correctly. Vaccum? Vacuum? Look at it. What a weird word. What language gave us that word, I wonder.)
I have been seeing my accupuncturist regularly, and she helps me out. Not just with the needle/energy thing, but with mental strategies for navigating this shitfest. It's truly helpful and inspirational.
I also saw a specialized healer. I'm not sure what you call her. An intuitive energy healer? Half of you are thinking, "woo-woo, Shelly. Rainbows and auras." But, it was a very interesting experience, one I can't really explain right now. I owe the experience to my friend, Francesca, who learned about this woman and who got me in and also somehow financed the situation for me. This woman, Marie, apparently hosts a weekly radio show and has a huge wait list for personal appointments. HOWEVER, if there are cancellations in her schedule, she opens them up to people with the "greatest need". Stage 4 cancer really has a way of putting you at the top of everyone's list. Akin to ducking the velvet ropes at the hottest NYC nightclubs. Me and P-Diddy. Courvoisier and private tables. Back to the healer--I guess if I had to sum up a takeaway from all this, it's the valuable lesson that I have so many tools for healing right in my own body. I could stand to be a bit more intentional about my approach to this. (And that applies even to you, in your healthy state. Your mind is an incredibly powerful tool, and you probably aren't harnessing even a 1/4 of it. Few people really do.) Ok, that sounds preachy and new-agey, and you are wondering if I have gone off the deep end.
I'm just saying, I am excited. I feel sort of in control. That's a remarkable thing, when you have cancer. It's empowering when you don't feel like you're throwing a life buoy out to your oncologist, and you're bobbing along in the tide, head down, hoping and praying he'll navigate you to calmer waters. It's amazing when you realize, "Hey. I can kick. I can pull. I'm actually a pretty good swimmer myself. I am an important part of this healing process."
woooooh. The meds are hitting my brain, I need to sign off. Thanks for listening. See you on the other side.