Saturday, December 22, 2012

Sigh

Well, the PET results weren't so great. I have three active "tumor" sites, all small, none new, but nonetheless, they're there. Yep.

So, there's one tiny spot in my lower left lung, one tiny spot in the liver duct, and a little patch of "chest nodes" next to my lung, which have grown slightly since the last scan. All of this means that my current chemo regimen isn't working anymore, and I have to switch to a new type of chemo, stat. I will start right after I return from Ohio in the first week of January. I was hoping for a bit more of a break than 3 weeks, but I also don't want to lose any ground.

So far I've done a total of 24 months of chemo. Isn't that INSANE? Imagine that: two years. Shouldn't I at least win a Purple Heart, or receive diplomatic immunity, or something? COME ON. I'm really proud of my little body for holding it together so well. Sure, there's been some collateral damage (my abdomen looks like a shark bit me, my hair's getting weird, I'm too skinny [no, it's not as cool as you'd think], my nose bleeds every day, I can't really feel my feet anymore, I'm constantly cold, I lack my normal energy levels, etc.) But I can't complain. Many people tell me they'd never know I was on chemo at all. (Now I sound like I'm bragging. No one wants to read a braggart's blog. Even if the writer has mutant colon cells growing in far-off organs.) All of this is really just a way of saying that I know I can handle more challenges.

I'm determined as ever to shrink this cancer. My body feels strong. (As I keep mentioning.) My resolve is intact. Sure, I'm frustrated (as hell), baffled at this latest turn, scared at times, terrified at others. But, and maybe it's just the holiday season, the bulk of my time has been spent filled with gratitude and good cheer about the many thing that ARE going right in my life. My kids, alone-- I love being alive.

AND THAT'S WHY I'M FUCKING DETERMINED.

Tomorrow, we head back to Ohio for Christmas. I cannot wait to go. We're going to have a terrific time. I'll deal with this shinola when we return. Onward ho.

13 comments:

  1. Your determination is relentless and inspiring.

    F- you cancer, leave Shelly the hell alone so she can go enjoy Christmas with her family. And when she gets rid of the rest of you "hangers on" in 2013, please please PLEASE don't come back.

    Love you Shel.

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  2. So much love to you, Shel.

    xoxoxox,
    Jen(ny)

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  3. Onward ho, indeed! Thanks for the update and for your always-amazing outlook, Shelly.
    We luv you

    Amy

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  4. Enjoy Ohio Shel. Maybe set the Cuyahoga (sp?) on fire again? Much love:-)

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  5. I rather like it when you brag. :) Much love to you and your family, Shelly.

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  6. Oh yes, go on and brag about cancer not kicking your ass and see who complains.
    Love you, Shel. Saw that it snowed today in T-town! Hope you gaht to see a cahrdinal in the snow and that your mahm gave you a pahp.
    Love you my feloow little Toledoan, and see you in the New Year, gahddammit,

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  7. Shelly, you are tough as shit. you keep going. our prayers and thoughts are with you always. Best. Rich and Julie Lee

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  8. So awesome to hear your amazing attitude Shelly!!! Love it!! Wishing you all the best in the new year and continued strength to fight on!!
    Colleen

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  9. I am smiling, not due to the content of your message, but because of your determination and grit...cancer, watch out. Shelly will kick your ass, and smile as she does it...thinking of you...Amy

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  10. We are sticking with you on your wave of hope! Sending you lots of love and support. Do you need snow? We have a lot of that and I'd be happy to send some of that.

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  11. I can't wait to memorialize 2013 as the year cancer finally realized it was outclassed and just gave up. Don't let the door hit you on the way out, "Big C." (Seriously, what an arrogant, self-aggrandizing disease. Even its nickname is full of self-regard. Infuriating.)
    Here's to new chemo.
    Thinking of you,
    Ashley

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  12. I've always known you were tough. You broke records and constantly pushed yourself as a swimmer in high school and I got to see that up close. But the strength and fucking determination you show now inspire me and impress me so deeply. I wish you all the best things in 2013, from me and my entire family - we love you and send you prayers and our very best wishes.
    Greg

    P.S. - Sorry I missed you on your swing through Ohio. A year and a half now and I still haven't managed to get up to Toledo.

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