Today my beloved son turns four. To celebrate, I'm going to get a CT scan at 1:45.
It's a day full of emotion: Joy, at watching him eye his pile of gifts. Wonder, as I listen to his increasingly complicated sentences and thoughts form. Hope, that I'll get to know him when he's twice this age, and that I'll be able to marvel over him and treasure him still. Which leads us to: Dread, that the scans may show new cancer growth. Terror, at times. (Why has my liver area been sore this last month-ish? My Onc tells me it could be "new tumor growth". Gasp. But, to be fair, I did a bunch of cartwheels on a breezy cliff in Hawaii, and my cartwheely muscles haven't been used in a while... maybe it's not liver pain, but muscle pain?) Consternation, that I have to wonder constantly if I'm improving, or if something unseen and evil is again flourishing underneath my skin. Seriously-- imagine having that worry, 24/7, and knowing there's a good chance it's true. And at the same time, be sure to go out and live life to the fullest! It's a fine and jagged line I walk.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: GOD, I love being alive. If it were a matter of will, I'd live to be 117.
Tomorrow, I will do chemo again. I'm not trying to sound dramatic here, but chemo without anti-nausea meds is positively medieval. Kelly, a stellar chemo nurse, assured me that that's how they did it "in the old days". It's a spirit-breaker. You'll just have to trust me on this one.
Sometimes, the most grounding advice I can give myself is this reminder: The one thing I can control is my attitude. Today I will focus on my son. On our exciting and ongoing house hunt. (that other one I mentioned a while back-- we didn't go with it-- not enough storage. Too small of a yard). On the fact that there's no reason to worry yet, and that all this hard chemo work I've done for over 7 months now CANNOT be for nothing. Hell, I may even get GREAT news. Wow, I'm talking myself into a better mood as you and I speak. Thanks for listening, you've helped improve my mood greatly.
I'll let you know when I hear something. Then, I'll tell you about our awesome Kauai trip. Talk soon. -S
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Happy birthday Rhodes! And all my love and energy to you Shelly for less vomiting and more good news from your scan. Your attitude is inspiring!
ReplyDeleteHappy birthday sweet Rhodes! The photo of you leaning on your Mommy's back is my all-time favorite.
ReplyDeleteShelly, all I can say is, we are so with you! I can't fully understand what you're going through, so sometimes it's hard to find the right words. But thank you so much for sharing your words with us. We are cheering for you from afar and admiring your awesome strength.
You are a good mama and a super strong human being. I love your focus on embracing the joys of life (4 year old birthday, cartwheeling, etc.), as well as on the things that you can control (like your attitude). Thinking of you today! Amy F.
ReplyDeleteHAPPY BIRTHDAY RHO RHO! How wonderful; 4 years full of joy, energy, new discoveries, and dressing up with your sister! We love you, and love your Mom, too! Shel, I'm amassing my prayer warriors for your scan today--let's take it one step at a time. Jules
ReplyDeleteFirst HAPPY BDAY R!!!! I am so happy for him! Second, is thei kelly you speak of MY KELLY? I hope so as she is full of love and care and is magical. I think she is as good as hank and helping people beat this crap!
ReplyDeleteLot's of love to you! I hope we get a house update soon! I am looking forward to visiting mercer island!
Much love and all good thoughts coming your way, Shelly.
ReplyDeleteAhhh ... happy birthday, Rho-Rho! And so many fingers & toes crossed for a good scan.
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