Today my beloved son turns four. To celebrate, I'm going to get a CT scan at 1:45.
It's a day full of emotion: Joy, at watching him eye his pile of gifts. Wonder, as I listen to his increasingly complicated sentences and thoughts form. Hope, that I'll get to know him when he's twice this age, and that I'll be able to marvel over him and treasure him still. Which leads us to: Dread, that the scans may show new cancer growth. Terror, at times. (Why has my liver area been sore this last month-ish? My Onc tells me it could be "new tumor growth". Gasp. But, to be fair, I did a bunch of cartwheels on a breezy cliff in Hawaii, and my cartwheely muscles haven't been used in a while... maybe it's not liver pain, but muscle pain?) Consternation, that I have to wonder constantly if I'm improving, or if something unseen and evil is again flourishing underneath my skin. Seriously-- imagine having that worry, 24/7, and knowing there's a good chance it's true. And at the same time, be sure to go out and live life to the fullest! It's a fine and jagged line I walk.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: GOD, I love being alive. If it were a matter of will, I'd live to be 117.
Tomorrow, I will do chemo again. I'm not trying to sound dramatic here, but chemo without anti-nausea meds is positively medieval. Kelly, a stellar chemo nurse, assured me that that's how they did it "in the old days". It's a spirit-breaker. You'll just have to trust me on this one.
Sometimes, the most grounding advice I can give myself is this reminder: The one thing I can control is my attitude. Today I will focus on my son. On our exciting and ongoing house hunt. (that other one I mentioned a while back-- we didn't go with it-- not enough storage. Too small of a yard). On the fact that there's no reason to worry yet, and that all this hard chemo work I've done for over 7 months now CANNOT be for nothing. Hell, I may even get GREAT news. Wow, I'm talking myself into a better mood as you and I speak. Thanks for listening, you've helped improve my mood greatly.
I'll let you know when I hear something. Then, I'll tell you about our awesome Kauai trip. Talk soon. -S