Sunday, May 15, 2011

Perception vs. reality

The thing that angered me most about this recent health crisis is that I HAVE FELT SO INCREDIBLY WELL LATELY. Really. Ask anyone who has seen me in the weeks leading up to this-- I do NOT seem like a sick person. I AM NOT "LOSING THIS BATTLE". I've been going to parties, dancing, taking care of the kids, running errands, swimming, you name it. You would never guess there is a thing wrong with me. I have truly been living like a person whose brush with the C-word was a thing of the past.

I think that's one reason this recent collapsed lung has been so hard on me.

After doing so well on my own, I truly hated the fact that a pesky complication from surgery was sidelining me. I hate that "Shelly's health" is even a topic of news again, especially when, collapsed lung and all, I FEEL healthier overall than 1/2 the people I know!

I hated being in the hospital. It did nothing positive for my spirits or sense of well-being. When you are there, it's a constant barrage of questions about your health history, and in my case, this involved rehashing the facts surrounding my '09 cancer diagnosis and the battle that ensued.

I frequently heard: "Aww, wow. YOU'VE had a rough go. Tell me, how they first detect your cancer?"

To which I wanted to reply:
"Yeah, let's really get into it! Just when I was starting to forget all those sad details. Let's relive those times! Especially considering the fact that I can barely speak from this chest tube, it seems like a smart use of my energy. Best of all, when your shift ends, I'll get to explain it to the next nurse!"

I also heard my fair share of: "So sad. Especially in such a young, healthy person with such young kids."
("Y'know, that NEVER occurred to me! You may be onto something there.")

And: "It was great meeting you, Shelly. And hey, don't give up the fight, ok?"
("OH, OK! I WON'T! I WAS GOING TO, UNTIL YOU TOLD ME NOT TO. BY THE WAY, DO I SEEM LIKE I AM ON THE VERGE OF DEATH TO YOU? I ACTUALLY AM DOING REALLY GREAT. But thanks for bringing it up.")

And how about this: "Do you have a living will? If you'd like, we have some great books on the topic."
("WOW. NO SENSE MINCING WORDS, IS THERE? YOU'RE RIGHT, I MAY DIE BY THE MONTH'S END, SO I GUESS I SHOULD GET ON THAT, ASAP. Besides, it'll give me something to think about while I lie here in bed.")

The kicker may have been when we heard a gentle knock on the door, and a kindly man walked in and said, "Mrs. Butler? Hello, I'm the hospital chaplain. I'm here if you need to talk. I understand you both have gone through quite a lot recently."

Ok. Yes, that was a very nice gesture. But I highly doubt they send in the chaplain to every Tom, Dick or Harr(iet) who show up for things like, say, tonsil surgery. His appearance just reaffirmed the unsettling notion that I am a "red alert" case.

To my own detriment, perhaps, I'm an extremely perceptive person. I can detect pity from others a mile away. I try hard to let certain comments roll off my back, but I can only take so much in any given time period.

The fact of the matter is that right now I am extremely laid-up. I have a very long tube in my lung and it hurts to move in any direction. But once they yank this sucker out, I'm going to be a-ok once again. So this is my invitation to you to follow my lead and get on board! This girl aint going nowhere.

1 comment:

  1. I heart u Shelly. And for some reason all I can think of is getting you one of those nerf guns that shoots darts with the suction cups on the end so anytime anyone says something idiotic you can aim and !!!BOING!!!! they have it stuck to their forehead for the rest of the day. This image pleases me to no end. <3 <3 <3

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